Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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