so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
