seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
