no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
