Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
