i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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