there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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