the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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