So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
