so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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