My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
