dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
