maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
