Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
