They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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