My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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