i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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