her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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