I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Be still, my beating vagina.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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