I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
