Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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