Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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