I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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