No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
