there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it was like eating out sand paper
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
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so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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