My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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