Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
