I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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