I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
