Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
