my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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