I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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