There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
