I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
