I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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