god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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