no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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