I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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