he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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