you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
smell my finger.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
