a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
