i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am spending my child support on dildos
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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