i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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