just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
