My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
