She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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