i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
