I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love accidental penises.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
