Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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