You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
