mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
