true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
