Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
