so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
