i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
